Update

Luckily, I am now well beyond "Beyond the Avant-Garde". You can see I rode this blog horse for a while, till the horse tripped, and I fell off. It was fun while it lasted! I then turned to non-virtual stuff....painting especially. So I leave this as a digital souvenir!

Wasting time

In the old days, I would waste time by watching TV. Like watching the Johnny Carson show, or the news. Now one way I waste time, is watching YouTube videos on the internet. Like here's something to watch, that's funny (and is probably good for boosting your immune system). It's a monkey bugging a dog. Isn't that better than the Mary Tyler Moore show? Here's the link to watch the simian prankster.

Ready to light some better candles?

Well, America, it's our birthday tomorrow! We are 230, and it's time to get over our adolescence.

Time to sign an accord on controlling global warming.

Time to stop torturing political prisoners (that we glibly call enemy combatants).

Time to stop murdering our own citizens and calling it the death penalty.

Time to provide basic health-care to our citizens.

Time to stop every crackpot buying a gun and mindlessly using it.

It's time, America, we put our iPods down, turned off our Blackberries and spent some time planning how to move out of our current state of barbarism.

Happy Birthday!

Honey, the ice is melting!

I heard Al Gore on the radio today. He's such a scaremonger! He says already 40 percent of the Arctic has melted due to global warming.

Heck, why is he so anxious? We've got 60 percent of the ice left!

Let's keep driving our SUVs that could tow large boats (because who knows when we will actually have to tow a large boat).

I think when there is 10 percent of the Arctic left, then we should worry. And that's only because I don't like the idea of penguins moving south. These birds have not yet learned to fly, and could cause havoc when they start moving into American cities.

Imagine them crossing the road! Jeez, I'm not going to wait at a cross walk for the time it takes for a penguin to waddle across the road. Heck, no!

President Dunce

I am saddened to see Rolling Stone magazine have a cover story about George Bush being the worst president in American history.

I hope Mr. Bush does not read Rolling Stone magazine. I also hope he does not read blogs like Crooks and Liars, which seem to have rather a dim view of his performance.

If the president ever gets to feeling down over the fact that two thirds of America thinks he is doing a terrible job, luckily there is a new medication, just put out by Pfizer, to prevent you from resonating with what's going on around you. The new med is called Sandvil and it replicates what you might feel if you were to put your head in the sand.

The next thing I'm going to do is send little George a few samples.

One of the hazards of space travel

After a 20-year trip through space,
Andrei Nikolov landed on
the planet Zol.

When he emerged from his spaceship,
he was greeted by Alvoya, who had been taking antidepressants
for far too long.

Give it your best shot

At a recent White House meeting, George Bush and ace sharpshooter Dick Cheney came up with a plan to retire Don Rumsfeld from his job as King of the Pentagon.

Dick will invite Don on a hunting trip.

The news headline will be, "Dick accidentally shoots Don in the head. Don to step down as Defense Secretary."

Dick will say, "That bright orange vest Don was wearing made him look like a pheasant."

George Edsel Bush

We have been drenched by more than a month of storms, so that I can announce a new phenomenon - Global Puddles. This is the wet sister of Global Warming.

Santa Barbara used to be a fairly dry place with a lot of sunshine. Lately we have become a city located on the west coast of Oregon.

So, I emerge from under my umbrella to say hi.

Since I last wrote some stuff here, Little George, the occupant of what Americans describe as the "Wide House", has continued his decline in popularity. Laura Bush has recently been calling him Edsel, in a half-endearing way ~ as in "Hey Edsel, I've made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to take with you to work today."

The republicans are unravelling, whether it's Tom Delay resigning, Jack Abramoff taking the fast lane to jail, or Scooter Libby talking about the Leaker in Chief.

So, I think the Edsel should be treated for what it is. Something that should not have been made and marketed (with much ballyhoo) in the first place. We will put the Edsel in reverse and back it into the rear-lot, and leave it there, remembering how we sometimes, in spite of our natural brilliance as humans, make a huge mistake.

Renouncing violence

I have heard a lot of talk about Hamas today. Yes, they got elected to head up a Palestinian government. Some talking heads I've heard are saying that Hamas must renounce violence. That sounds like a great goal.

But how about the US government renouncing its gratuitous who-cares-what-the-UN-Security-Council-thinks violence?

How about the US Air Force cease dropping 500lb bombs on Iraqi neighborhoods?

How about the US stop murdering its own citizens - the so-called death penalty?

Let's not just ask Hamas to grow up and quit its antisocial aggression. Let's do it ourselves.

Sinking below the waves

I have just traveled from Santa Barbara to Llandudno on the west coast of Britain, to visit my mother, now 85 years old, and to bug and hug a variety of relatives I have here. It's great to be in my native Britain, however I'm worried about something.

What happened to the size of sinks in public British bathrooms? They are now the right size for Barbie dolls to use, or midgets. Maybe, since most British now drive around in small cars (and some are super small, verging on a large sneaker with four wheels), perhaps they are minimizing other things too, including sinks.

Earlier on, one of my blog entries was complaining about British faucets and taps. You can see, with my obession with plumbing, just where my mind tends to wander!

Me in my new coat, taken with my new camera

Hey, that's me in my new jacket! It's got cold here in Santa Barbara, now it's early December. And the down parka is keeping me nice and warm.

Also, the photo was taken using my new Canon SD-500 camera, a little thing that fits in the palm of your hand. Shiny!

I do love certain aspects of modern technology - cameras, computers, cell phones, the webbing of the net, and,of course, much groovier toothbrushes.

Take Care

Many times you have been told, as someone says goodbye to you, "Take Care."

Did you then adjust your behavior, and instead of walking along the edge of the cliff, as you had been planning to do, you walked 100 yards from the edge, taking really good care?

Who started this "Take Care" thing?

Was it some Safety Committee set up to make sure insurance companies would have fewer claims? Perhaps it was mother, who got tired of saying specific things, like, "Make sure you keep your shoelaces tied."

If the next time you said goodbye to a friend, you said "Be Reckless", would that inspire the old egg to dangle off some parapet?

I knew someone in Colorado in the 1980s who used to say "take a deep breath, hold your balls and jump." Her name was Beth. Perhaps, if you don't want to say "Take care", you could say that. Maybe leave the balls out, given that many women don't have balls.

"Hey, it was great to see you, take a deep breath and jump!"

Just make sure you either have a parachute, or you're going to land in a big bowl of strawberry jello. Actually, you know what, as you're jumping...."Take care!"

Government drilling and Government slicing

We heard from Iran today that they are appointing an oil minister. Here in the US, we don't have an oil minister, we have the President, who last week started to drill for oil on the West Lawn of the White House ~ it's important, after all, to boost domestic production. The oil rig set up on the West Lawn does not look like a rig. It's disguised as a big Christmas tree, and in the summer will just look like a big Doug Fir.

In Denmark, the parliament has decided if countries can have oil ministers, they can have a cheese minister. Last Friday, they appointed Olaf Gundarsson as cheese minister. As he was sworn in, he made a joke that wouldn't it be good if there were also a crackers minister. There were a few muffled laughs, and then the minister for cheese said he had to be off to visit a dairy farm.

What would make you an Insurgent?

The year is 2068.

The Chinese have decided that it's time to teach America a lesson, and to free the Indians from the reservations, and impose a Chinese form of government and constitution on the U.S.

As the Chinese land simultaneously on the East, West and Gulf coasts, the U.S. is being run by an administration that imposed marshall law and suspended elections in 2062 following a massive offensive by anti-government rebels that led to the Supreme Court and part of Congress being burned down.

Many major American cities (including San Frnacisco, L.A., Atlanta, New York and Boston) are now under Chinese military control. A surprising number of Americans who once were peace-loving souls, listening to their iPod implants, have decided to join the insurgency and are randomly attacking Chinese convoys as they move around US cities.

Would you, under these circumstances, become an Insurgent? Or would you "go Chinese" and adopt the political ways of the occupying force?

Have a Nice Day

I'm annoyed when I'm in the check-out line at the local supermarket at 11pm at night, and the cheery woman on the cash register says, as I'm leaving, "Have a nice day!"

It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, every person at every counter in America, says as you are leaving, "Have a nice day!"

It could be five minutes to midnight at Denny's, and as I'm leaving, the cashier says, "Have a nice day!" Maybe these counter workers are so entranced by the flourescent tubes above, that they live in a timeless world, where it always feels like shiny morning time, when it makes total sense to say to someone, "Have a nice day!"

So, I'd like to add something to the culture. And that is, if it's after 5pm and before 8pm, these folks say, "have a nice evening!" If it's after 8pm, they say "have a good night!"

At this point, changing over to this system is voluntary. When I get elected President, though, I will, by Executive Order, make it a misdemeanor, to say to anyone, after the sun has set, "Have a nice day!"

Let's heat up the globe

Steve Martin, who I heard talking on National Public Radio this morning, said he had only made one political crack, back in the 1970s. He said that he trusted Ronald Reagan to take us back to the good old days - and turn America into a vast sheet of Arctic ice.

I laughed out loud hearing him say that, then thought what would be the modern equivalent?

Right wing republicans would like to make the government small enough (except for the military) so it could be thrown in a bath tub and drowned. Everything, in this scenario, gets privatized, and we are then back to the Victorian scenario of each dog fighting each dog, and, of course, there is no monitoring of what happens to the environment. We are in the Final Days, are we not, so why do we need to worry about the environment?

Soon the great horseman of the Apocalypse will be here to sweep the good ones into the land of trumpets, white bread and high definition TV.

Anyway, my modern day version of the Steve Martin joke about Ronald Reagan, is that we can fully trust the Bush Administration and its right wing successors to keep their foot on the gas pedal of global warming and take us back to the days when America was a vast hot and volcanic plain. Our great grandchildren will have no need for winter coats. They'll just be shimmering with sunblock and watching the fireworks !

Bush Facing War Crimes Charges

News is beginning to percolate through that the International Court in the Hague has a team of attorneys working on an indictment of George Bush as a war criminal. A central element in the case is said to be Bush's invasion and armed occupation of Iraq leading to the deaths of more than 100,000 civilian Iraquis. A source close to the Court in the Hague said that the charges against Saddam Hussein pale by comparison with the charge Bush may be facing. The photo shows Bush in jail briefly in Texas, before he became governor. He'd been arrested on a reckless DUI driving charge, and briefly held before getting out on bail.

Running Hot and Cold

One of the reasons I left Britain and settled in the New World was to avoid the horror of dealing with British taps. That would be faucets. (I'm working on becoming bilingual.)

You think this is a small issue. Compared to AIDS or World War Two, it is a trivial thing.

However, try washing your hands in a British bathroom, or restroom as they call them in America. The British, even as we enter the 21st century, and long after we sent little rovers to wander over the surface of Mars, are still not willing to embrace the technological advance represented by a blended tap, combining both hot and cold water. No, they stubbornly stick to a hot tap and a cold tap.

Try washing your hands in the Queen's country. You either get burned by bloody hot water. Or you get chilled to the finger-bone by water from deep in the castle moat.

Hence, I migrated to a country where they blend everything - ice-cream, juices, coffee, and thank heavens, water. I can wash my hands in just the right temperature water.

My theory about the British is that a significant number of them are sadomasochists - certainly the plumbers.

Ants in his pants

It is not a well known fact that Columbus had ants in his pants.

Today, being Columbus Day throughout Colonial America - definitely not on the Sioux reservation - I thought I'd let you in on a piece of history that has long been suppressed by the media. Columbus could not sit still. He had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) from an early age, and drove his parents crazy.

At school, he could barely sit in his little seat for five minutes.

So, when they were looking for a guy to Discover the New World, they needed someone with a certain kind of itch, someone who wouldn't just be sitting in a pizza parlor in Olde Europe.

Two other qualifications that made Chris a good choice to find the New World: first he knew how to sail a ship - a useful skill if you were planning on crossing the Atlantic in the pre-747 era.

Second, he had a great name. The Star Search committee that was looking for the Great Explorer interviewed many candidates. One guy, Fred Brown from Bolton, Lancashire, had all the qualifications that Christopher Columbus had (including ants in his pants) but he had a terribly common name.

The Committee choosing the Great Explorer to find America thought that if Fred Brown actually found America, no-one would celebrate it. Brown Day, they figured wouldn't quite make it onto the calendar.

So, Christopher was chosen. He bought his three boats - the Pinta, Nina and Santa Maria - at a ship sale (three for the price of one), and pretty soon was sailing towards Detroit. Unfortunately he didn't quite reach Motown, and instead landed on an island in the Caribbean, lured into a beautiful cove by the sounds of reggae drifting across the waves.

Christopher, not one to be shocked, was a little perturbed that just up from the beach where he landed there was a sign that said "Starbucks Opening Here Soon".

He sat down on the beach and said, "Wow".

In the Box

I thought I'd let you know every now and then I make an effort to think outside the box, but have not yet stepped outside that dear little box.

Here I am.

Choices

I'm curious to explore the issue of how to waste time.

We are only on the planet for a blip in the long history of
the universe.

How do we allocate our time between competing ends?

If you were given the choice of watching TV or of joining
the movement to improve the planet, which would you
do?

You might say, "Improve the planet?" What the heck
would that involve?

I might say, well, go to Washington and see if you can
end poverty !

I think you'd choose to watch TV.