Ants in his pants

It is not a well known fact that Columbus had ants in his pants.

Today, being Columbus Day throughout Colonial America - definitely not on the Sioux reservation - I thought I'd let you in on a piece of history that has long been suppressed by the media. Columbus could not sit still. He had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) from an early age, and drove his parents crazy.

At school, he could barely sit in his little seat for five minutes.

So, when they were looking for a guy to Discover the New World, they needed someone with a certain kind of itch, someone who wouldn't just be sitting in a pizza parlor in Olde Europe.

Two other qualifications that made Chris a good choice to find the New World: first he knew how to sail a ship - a useful skill if you were planning on crossing the Atlantic in the pre-747 era.

Second, he had a great name. The Star Search committee that was looking for the Great Explorer interviewed many candidates. One guy, Fred Brown from Bolton, Lancashire, had all the qualifications that Christopher Columbus had (including ants in his pants) but he had a terribly common name.

The Committee choosing the Great Explorer to find America thought that if Fred Brown actually found America, no-one would celebrate it. Brown Day, they figured wouldn't quite make it onto the calendar.

So, Christopher was chosen. He bought his three boats - the Pinta, Nina and Santa Maria - at a ship sale (three for the price of one), and pretty soon was sailing towards Detroit. Unfortunately he didn't quite reach Motown, and instead landed on an island in the Caribbean, lured into a beautiful cove by the sounds of reggae drifting across the waves.

Christopher, not one to be shocked, was a little perturbed that just up from the beach where he landed there was a sign that said "Starbucks Opening Here Soon".

He sat down on the beach and said, "Wow".